Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Excuse me, come again?

It is no wonder that women have been so quick to judge a book by its cover, or to being able to have a vulgar appreciation for men because of the lack of appreciation of how men have degraded women.


Granted, through our history men have been acclaimed the "dominate" figure in society. Wether this be through politics, business, education, or in general men have over time been this omniscient power. However, we are now in the year 2011 and have yet to understand that this almighty feeling of empowerment men still think holds true exists.


1979, the year in which women had been granted free from discrimination by the United Nations. So, what makes it okay in the year 2011 for men to degrade women by connotations such as "bitch", "hoe", "slut" and that what a man can do will eventually be forgotten, but for a woman to gain a name from? It honestly makes no sense. Yet, continuously these boys continue to look like a deer in headlights when they do not understand woman's unappreciative view upon their rude,ignorant, intrusive behavior.


By no means are all men the same. However, for a boy to become a man does involve appreciation not only to those around them, but to themselves (and works vise-versa). What is it that one is really saying when they are giving racial or gender slurs? True character and insecurity is expressed to others by actions of ourselves. Wether we like to believe it or not our conduct to those we choose to learn about is a reflection to whom we are as individuals and the message we give not only to those we are directly verbally and nonverbally communicating with but those younger than us for them to learn and accept.


In the same, those older who frown upon behaviors of the present... history doesn't just create itself it is adopted. Not to say that we are not responsible for our own actions, because that is true responsibility, but to continually live in a pessimistic mind set that the future is doomed with those of this generation is a stretch. We in the last 50 years have been able to diminish barriers that our grandparents may not have been able to fathom, but in due time there are always bumps in the road and lessons to be learned. But, to be able to move forward we need to trust, open, and respect all of those around us, and most importantly ourselves.

Monday, August 8, 2011

On the Brink

Have you ever just sat and wondered "what if?" Of course you have, we all have.


Although many of us claim that we would go back and turn back of the hands of time, I honestly think that we really wouldn't if we could. Think about how many of the decisions we have made that has molded who we are now; would you?


Then there are times, that we are on the edge. Wondering if we should take the plunge... say things we know we want to say, feel things that we want to feel, and to let go of the hesitations and just go for it. That's exactly when the angel on the left shoulder always decides to speak... or at least it seems that way. Speaking what the mind knows is the right answer, but every other sign tells you that the "what if" will creep up if not done now.


I guess you can say lately my emotions have been "on the brink." However, the rational "man" side, according to Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus, reminds me that time will only solve itself and to continue living in my "cave" until all signs tell me to open and convey my true thoughts. On the other hand, my youthful naive Jacqueline tells me to continue to be spontaneous, and that there is no better time than the present. All tables turn however when the shoe is on your own foot, and that when in the midst of making an irrelevant, unsubstantial decision ends up turning into what makes up a lot of the day waiting for something to happen that in turn may not be happening simply because hurt has taught me to say nothing at all.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

In time we all begin to see and create our own world based on the perceptions around us, lessons we've gone through, the hurt we've felt, and the aspirations we want to obtain. Our judgements on what we [choose] to see, think, and feel are different from one another's, but often times we neglect to understand that how we perceive the world to be is never what it is in another's.


Most often times I have felt the deepest amount of pain not only from a breakup but to the realization that I was unfamiliar with the person that I should know the most about, myself. When you have latched yourself on to a relationship you begin to mold to the likings and satisfactions of what the other pleases; and in a healthy relationship happens in unison between the two. We begin to lose our sense of self-identity and do things in order to see the ones' we care for happy. Reconfiguring our identity and finding what it is that [we, alone] can offer to the world ends up being the biggest amount of power we, man, hold.


This brings me to a topic that has had me baffled for quite some time. I do not understand the need for people to expect, want, and assume a relationship. I am not talking the emotional satisfactions or the learning of someone in order to build a happier future, but the want of simply the label.


Too many people, wanting to latch on just for the ride/label what does that really prove? A relationship is not about a label, it is however about the happiness and compassion between two individuals maybe that don't even know each other well, but in the process to.


Naturally things fall the way they are supposed to but if ever the question of, "what are we" exists then it is premature.


It is those that we get to know we should see a better "us" come to surface. Someone who shares the same morals in life, aims towards a similar goal, respects our time and space, and most importantly wants to spend the time going through the ride not for the short run, but for a long lasting relationship. There is so much each of us can offer to the world, and having the right companion/partner falls naturally based on the chemistry between the two.


Never should we "settle." Life is too short to just settle for the company. In time, naturally every thing falls where it supposed to. Jumping the gun into something premature will only destroy would may have been a strong relationship, into something that may never work. People who know themselves and know what they have to offer realize that "time" will allow what is supposed to happen to take its course. People who want something purely for the fact that they are afraid they will allow the other to slip away is trying to put a label on something that wasn't meant to happen. If someone is willing to let go for the fact that someone didn't want to rush in a label they are in it for the wrong reasons primarily any way.My philosophy is, anything that is meant to happen... will happen. We have little to lose if we are moving too slow, it's when we try expedite emotions that we can lose some one worth waiting for. If someone is willing to wait through the ride, they must have thought it was worth while, THAT is the one that you should hold on to. 


But, like in any relationship time is a key factor. 


The truth is, life is all about the lessons that we've learned to structure who we become. With age comes wisdom and becoming a better person, for ourselves is the direct result as to who we allow in our lives to deem fit. We have one lifetime to live, and settling down or solely looking for a relationship should not be the main priority in life, but rather one that comes along as we are trying to attain our dreams and goals. 


We must first know that before we start the process in loving another, we must first have to love and respect ourselves. We mustn't expect others' to find our identity but rather share with them the person we have become through our battle wounds, and in turn learn through time theirs. The greater accomplishments in life are never given, they are earned and worked for, & a relationship should not be any different.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

10 Years From Now...

We far too often take things for granted while we have them, and it's not until we lose those things that we value that we see the importance and impact that it serves in our lives.


I'll admit, when I was younger I used to fret and make an argument out of anything. Things that did matter to me, but more often things that didn't matter and just wanted to serve right. But, there is always that eye-opener in all of our lives that make us see a clearer vision of what truly matters, and that all other petty and self-less remarks and arguments serve as nothing but negative outbursts that directly reflect our negative output not only to ourselves, but life.


It was at this realization and time that I started reading books to try to figure out my self identity as to why I was allowing negative feelings control my actions and mold to who I was starting to become as a person. The highlighter was my best friend, and my pen was the right hand man... I started writing and highlighting key points that either what I did/do (pink) and what I wanted to become (yellow), and wrote on the side why I thought I did those, and/or why I wanted to change or become better; for who and to what.


After you start doing this for a while you truly see a mirror reflection of who you are. And after a while all your questions for the yellow, for who am I doing this for, becomes only for one reason, yourself.


Never in life should you do something simply because it is the right thing to do (although we hear this way to often) but we should do something because not only is it for the betterment of many but because it is that you want to.


Petty fights and arguments turn into conversation of what the balance between what I want, and what it is that the other person wants. And more times than not you'll realize that there is a common ground, but that it is easier to fight to win rather than seek out a middle ground with humility, compassion, and insight (to learn not only how bad you want something, but to understand that the other person(s) might want it just as bad).


Take a look around... your friends, your family, your significant other, and notice their behaviors. Notice what is that always makes you mad, or most importantly, happy while in their presence and when questioning "is this really worth the fight" really ask yourself, "10 years from now will this matter."


10 years from now will this matter?


Will that fight be worth a friendship, a disagreement with a family member, a break up... that one question before I open my mouth is something that I live to on an every day basis and has truly changed my life.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

You Can Only Take So Much...

In the course of our lives we begin to create thresholds in which actions we are willing and unwilling to accept. It is not because we are bad people that we refuse to tolerate immature actions, and or exchange of words, it is that we become more aware who we are as individuals along the course. We begin to realize those whom are not dignified of our own morals and characteristics we part from, and those who we never would have presumed as the same as our own end up being our greatest supporter. 

Many of us don't know who we are, so we allow the ones around us mend our unique characteristics to their traits. We often mimic those whom we surround ourselves with. We must step away from our own being often and reevaluate ourselves and ask ourselves, "are the actions that I am portraying now who I want to be ten years from now..." If the answer is no, then it is time to reconfigure who we are and what actions that we are doing not only to others but ourselves that needs the altering. If the answer is yes, establish new goals... if your current standing is the same for ten years from now you need a challenge. It is often times that we sell ourselves short of aspiring greater and bigger things. We stand in our own shadows dwelling on what could have happened instead of making changes in order to make something new happen...

There will forever be the person that will try to bring you down. It is those that do not yet know who they are that feed off of people who are doing better than they are. They are the "Debby Downers." Often times it is the person that we care for and respect their opinions to the most that we allow let them bring us down continually. We need to comprehend that the ones that love us just as equally back will be the ones that are our greatest supporters, and that we need to continue positive acts to maintain who we are, and separate from those who feed off our energy for negative reasons. The truth is, we all want to be at the same place in life. We are crave off wanting to be happy... but in the process our identity gets hazy as others' attain goals faster, and our own personal achievements get questioned. We need to set part and apprehend that our goals and life road will be different from the people around us, accept it, and we live in a world attainable make your dream a goal. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Get That Plane Ticket and Just Go for It

Have you ever heard the saying, "you don't realize how good something is until it's gone..."?


We live in this world with endless opportunities. Anything that we want to happen, can happen. We don't need special connections, or need tons of money... it is just the length of really wanting something that will allow it to happen. 


It is often the most successful people that will take the plunge into doing things they have always wanted to do wether it be going to the Bahamas for a week, or going to Haiti for a cause. But the truth of the matter is, we can do it... if we want it bad enough.


We all have become so consumed over time of things that we do on an every day basis that we lack to recognize the goals and aspirations we have wanted to do for not now, but our future. We continually put these "wishes" into the future pushing them... when the truth is we need to just go on a whim now and again and just tell yourself, if I didn't do this before my lifetime I would have regretted not doing so.  


When stepping away from the cycle of every day life we can make time for those things that we wanted to do. Make a list, give yourself a deadline, and just do it! There are no excuses for why you can't drive to Canada and go bungie jumping, or learn to speak Chinese, or go on a cruise... but unless you take actions to make it happen for yourself it will never happen.


Often people use money as an excuse. It's not one. The first step in making a dream happen is to stop finding excuses for them not to! Honestly, think of all the shoes you have bought in the last 6 months, cigarettes, extra gas to drive around, gadgets, cameras... save that money on the side. Tell yourself, for every check I get I will automatically pay my bills and put 75% of the remaining somewhere where I can't see it so that I don't come up with another excuse to push a dream aside.


There is a difference between satisfying a need and satisfying a want. Weigh your choices. Would a trip on a cruise be worth more than a month in the bar every night? It's not about giving up completely what you want but setting realistic goals to making something happen so that you can accomplish more now, rather than waiting for a later that may never happen. 


The best experiences are the ones that are unplanned. Take the long way home so that you can view the lake view and stop to take pictures because it makes you feel good. Not only does the ride seem more enjoyable, but it's a vacation on the way home not just three hour ride in the car. Buy that random plane ticket to a random state... who cares it's unplanned things become planned as time moves forward, naturally.


Life is too short to realize when it's too late the "Man, I should have_________." Understanding what the world has to offer is one thing. Being able to create it your own way, with greater memorable experiences is another. 

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Symbolizism

Between us all we over the years build up character that inevitably is a representation of who we are and/or who we will become. We will soon find through the various mishaps we learn along the way that persistency builds character, not the willingness to let go or back down. There is no such thing as "mistake" every thing and every one is created in this world to symbolize the true importance of emotion. 


It would be un-humane to say that we are emotionless from every thing and every one. That is not reality. Those of my fan base who knows me personally knows that this is the demeanor that I try to portray about myself, but I am going to break this down.


Wether we like to admit to them or not we are what we choose to be, not by fate or by how we are raised... we are what we chose to do with what we were given. Growing towards adulthood we have understood the responsibility, compassion, and attachment to certain things we surround ourselves with; wether this be living in the library to build knowledge, choose to go to the local tea shop every other night to hang with the friends, or booking a ticket to Chicago just to see where the day can go... 


Although some of us may portray ourselves as consistently strong willed, passionate, and focused we all have weaknesses. It is important to reflect that we together can create a better future and better lifestyle. When the continuous force of trying to repel the natural surfaces our own dreams and thoughts become distorted. 


We all stand for something and as someone wise told me, "Be yourself every one else is taken." As simple as this motto is, I try to live up to that. We can continuously do things in order to alter the perception of what others think of us, but intrinsically we can provide, aware, and love others only if we are only being honest with ourselves. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

"Its Not About the Money, Money, Money...Forget About the Price Tag"

We adhere to the pleasure and happiness that we are ran by, money. Look at the world around us... every day decisions not necessarily based on merit is in constant deals and deeds to make up our surroundings. We continually persist to the idea that in order to have happiness we must make money.


Then we must questions the thoughts that cross our minds in a given day and the worthiness of the true perplexities that really do make us happy. As much as we would like to put daily decisions on this balance beam and through our own experiences realize that often it is left unchanged. At the end of the day we have to remember that our future emotions and life choices in what we choose to want to be, and who we really are is the most sufficient reason to weigh down a clearer conscious. 


Without our emotions we are robots ran and under control of this inanimate object. It is when we begin to realize that money is attainable by all, and all is judged within the contingency that is what? That is the value in which we believe each distinct object is labeled. When we step away from the power that we have so labeled we begin to realize who we ourselves are and can better learn to understand one another.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Why Must We Wait

Why is it that most often it isn't until a dramatic experience that we exit this world of concentration on solely ourselves. I have yet understood if it is the society that we are raised in or lack of guidance to the understanding of humanity. We wait until someone has passed, until we realize the nth amount of times that we should have spent caring and tending to their needs. Or wait until we are in a car accident to realize that as easy as life can be given, in any instance, can be taken away. But what is the purpose of waiting, when life isn't going to pause at the grasp of this realization. 

We fail to realize that it is only within each of us, individually, that we can start to view a better world for ourselves and our posterity by just "living." Living with the realizations that as time ticks away that there are people dying, emotions to be tended to, a world of endless opportunities; in that we must be thankful... spend the extra time outside during a break at work, realize that if you are already late for work...enjoy the car ride there (we can't change what is already done, but rather change our mentality for the future), sing on the top of your lungs in the shower, give a sincere compliment (jealousy is not an excuse for cruelty), and sometimes just make the time... not only for yourself but to let people in that you may have not otherwise. 

We must step away from this cyclical lifestyle day by day, Here we are not necessarily living but rather "being" in this world that can embrace our singular desires, thoughts, and emotions in the betterment of the majority by sharing our similarities and accepting our differences. It is when we put our guards down of vulnerability that we comprehend that we all are more alike than we think in some way, but the first step is understanding ourself. And as I always say, we must learn to love ourselves before we can learn to love another. 


Monday, April 25, 2011

Dear Vulnerability,

We live in this world that is in this constant flux. Where decisions are made more rapidly than sometimes we can decipher its true continuity.Where blurred visions of our future is at the end of this attainable road, but alters like the slides in a classic movie. Where love is a word thrown out amongst many to distinguish value, meaning, consistency... but here is where it is different. 


It's been not to so long that I have visited you last. It's the start to my day as much as I banter and try to make you void you continually come back. I have been told vulnerability is self worth the identifier in allowing people in to this world that I have so long kept distant. Like a magnet I repel those who do not see a similar vision. Those who do not understand, and even some that do. In the hearts of hearts, I have come to realize that love has a true stamp. One in which has been the mirror image when I look in the mirror and reflect on what I see. 


They call me miss independent, too perfect, triple threat... I call it late nights reflecting pasts that no longer can be changed and with some desire to once again grasp on to something I have yet attained since I have let go. It is too often that I wish that I can go back in time. And it is you that has been the ghost of sleepless nights. 



Sunday, April 3, 2011

Motivation

It has dawned on me today the ramifications into what makes us humane. We have been grown, in my generation, to become selfishly involved into the politics, global and social issues, and life itself. We have built upon the precedent that the strongest come on top and that everything else is second best. We have lost track to whom we are, really. We must realize that we as individuals alone stand as nothing, but built upon together make a union. 


I do not understand, maybe it is that I am still young and naive, the world as it is now. We live in a society where we want so much such as "going green" and conservation of energy. We get upset at government for not doing enough to maintain the world we live in, as we walk past with our picket signs waving "recycle" as we pass paper cups without consideration of picking them up. We want government to solve our world's problems without taking personal responsibility to doing it ourselves. It all starts with us. We continue to go to war trying to spread democracy from country to country without hesitating to the factors that life as we know is becoming dissipated with intolerance and little sympathy of histories mistakes. We can not change the textbooks of our time, but we can alter our perceptions of what it can become.


It becomes all too easy to sit and watch the world pass. To give judgements as we sit at our televisions waiting for the next breaking news. Watching countries fight other countries, and where the word "war" is far too common. As missiles fire and more and more families die we just watch and forget that this is the world we choose to make it. As we send out loved ones out to fight and reflect on pictures they send back we can begin to realize that the world is turning to hatred when the strongest power is love. There are establishing countries that lack food and water and yet instead of trying to seek adequate living for all we are fighting a war in which should enable peace and understanding. 


We far to often seek to help others without trying to understand. I believe, now, we are living in a world with misunderstandings. We all have the same goals of positivity, success,  and love, but we mask them behind our insecurities of fear, but for what? 


We can continuously make excuses to stop ourselves from our biggest goals in life. The soup kitchen you want to volunteer at, travel the world, try new foods, or help other people. But, when does the inside voice finally lose and your heart speak? Why not set time away now for the movements you want to do before they are too late. Life is way to short to sit back wondering when the next good thing in your life is going to appear, it really is. Months, years, its too late... continual movement and process is pressing for more beginnings and that positive spread for hope to others to see. 


Although easier said than done, we need to step away from the constant negativity and realize that it is a lot easier to give in to that continuous cycle, but once set free the world to positivity and enlightenment is attainable. In that, we need to understand each other. Realize that being upset over misunderstandings can lead into unnecessary arguments and exchanges of hatred that never was fully intended. That we all, all over the world, have reason to love and care for one another. That being ourselves in life is what is intended and that sometimes all we need is ourselves to make the initial steps towards happiness to spread the message that we all live in this world together, and we need to stop thinking solely on just our generation but future generations for our childrens' children.

Monday, March 28, 2011

You are Beautiful

Through observation I have better understood who we women tend to be society. We play as a pawn in this role in life to alter our ways and live to impress. We through nurture have became prone to the negative thought of jealousy. But we must reflect to ourselves what jealousy really consists of, and if it is something that we can alter. 


We women, daily, make judgements to what we want people to see the expectations in which we put forth for others to follow. There is no denying this because in time we all have made judgements, daily ones, in which we put forth not solely for our personal advancement, but for others to see and mimic. It is something us women take pride in, because as the world around us continues to change we set precedence into the society on our footprint mark in which we want others to see. Wether this may be as little as putting on makeup for others to notice, or to get a raise at work, we all are subject to it. 


Through observing I have began to realize, in noticing my own self the strength jealousy plays in society.We women walk around with our noses held high without realizing the individual importance every woman in society plays. The snobbish inconsistencies with the fake smiles and the negative connotations wether it be through body language or eye contact. We must realize that we all, in our way, are beautiful. And instead of living out our interior beauty we stick our noses in the air. 


Task: All my female followers I want to say "you're beautiful" or "gorgeous" to eight people today/tomorrow. 


This simple deed will show you how much easier it is to neglect someone as a person than it is to notice the beautiful people around us all the time. Also, in that you begin to realize how certain peoples' actions make them more/less beautiful. If you dive into it even more than just at surface value you begin to think and wonder of the beauty not only in our society, but begin to wonder what is classified as beauty amongst other cultures/faiths/etc. And how our built prejudices alter our interpretation of "beautiful" and that it almost comes to us as instinctive to judgements based on someone's' exterior, and as a whole we need to shift away from this thought as a society.


To the woman noticed: It is often that we take things for granted, We realize that we may have good hair, eyes, smile, skin, or whatever it may be without realization that sometimes we become so wrapped up in it. We must step away and make sure that we validate that there is a difference between confidence and arrogance. But, I do also know that it is the people that are most noticed that are often most alone. We begin to seclude ourselves into a world because we become too self-sufficient and we begin to leave others that want to be a part out of the equation. We, must become more balanced in the circle of life and realize that all people that we encountered with in life make us who we are. There are no reasons for jealous behavior, or to put ourselves on this petistole because we are all human, some more gifted than others, but wether we realize it or not, our personality soon becomes distorted to others through what we express to others and that is truly what makes us beautiful or ugly.


To the woman unnoticed:  As much as we think beauty goes unnoticed, people see the most true charisma and character in us that are unnoticed. The trick is finding what it is within ourselves what makes us, us... and express that the world. Have you ever heard the saying, you are your own worst critic; although it seems the world is against us for the majority of the time I promise you once we realize that self-sufficiency and confidence is found only within ourselves we begin to realize that life is capable of open doors that are waiting for us to walk through. We create this world, as much as we think that it is already premeditated and set in stone; it just takes one person to realize within themselves that they can make a difference. So, no more rollin eyes at other girls or wishing that you were someone else. The true gift is when we fully allow ourselves to love we will see that love will find us. It is when we give the world a chance to just let it live and we do actions and realizations for ourselves that we truly make a change.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

But Only Pawns

As crisis formulate in the world around us, we must question what significance our opinions and our intuitions really hold.

The problems arising in Cairo, Egypt have only formulated these questions in which we have learned from the pages of our history textbooks. As children we are taught through pages and pages of unfolding truths of our past; that it is because one person took the initiative that our world has formulated to what it is today. 

These unfolded truths trail to present date and back to prejudices, in which still exist. These repercussions of negligence have only resurfaced in our world that seem to be formatted to the social and governmental beliefs. We must now question ourselves into how, after years of teaching of morality, we can not concur to humanity. 

How we can after decades of trial and error hold this animosity towards another when the remedy to humility is acceptance towards all. We have guarded up ourselves these walls that over time we have decimated but have reconstructed enviousness of each other. The solution in finding our problems, first is accepting that we are all different. 

Think of the establishment of government, in which it was intended. Governmental status was created in order to provide society a sense of direction and security, and now has been corrupted into analytical guide lines. Freedom in which some of us view as constructive; others take for granted, and test our legal acceptances. 

In comparison I have wondered how the idea of an established government over many decades recently have been rendered to this idea of social responsibility; and how come through this process we have sacrificed mankind to attain it.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Changes

As I reflect to the past and most definitely through the last couple weeks I have realized the value of change.


I through the years have seen people come in and go. I feel that life is but a simple capture, as a snap shot of just one instance in time. We can all sit and stand faking the tears behind the pearly white smile, but deep inside we hold truth the world's changes and life; with it's changes. It is in this instant that we recall past experiences of hurt, happiness, sorrow, heartbreak of the many things we, ourselves, have been through to where stand now today.


In some time or another we have all felt love, either through family, friends, or a relationship. We have gathered people in this circle of life to grow and expand our ways of thinking with us. To notice our values and our morals to stand corrected although other factors constantly continue to change. We see through the golden gate brides that beyond our pigment of our imagination is success. We are see this as attainable and although want to reach it, no matter how strong and focused we are, must seek guidance. Wether through a question, suggestion, reasoning, or critique we live life. 


Now, it is the part of my life where pages are constantly turning, over and over. Chapters are writing without spell check as learning experiences are becoming overwhelmed in the palms of my hands. A stronger power, stronger than I can be at this time, would never allow me to take what I can't handle therefore I play this life like a game. Without the mentality of ever surrendering I attain more, as I reach for personal strength and bigger dreams. Each experience leading to the next, I do not follow... I lead.


I refuse to back down to the lies, the internal battles, and the cries... because at the end of the tunnel I see the only thing that can ever stand in my way to the road of eternity, myself. 


Changes, something within ourselves can we truly see. We, at different points realize when things have changed. Yet another page. A page in this endless book of hope and wonders, and to which I know this book can be endless.... we write our own books. We hold the pen firm in our hands to believe the way that we want to interpret the world around us, we decide what is worth while, what we can handle, and what chances are to take to be completely satisfied that our life is being balanced between moral satisfaction, and to knowing that we can no longer live with regrets. We must challenge the world around us to believe that we are so much more than what can be offered to any physical numerical value. 


Love, happiness, spirit... the greatest gifts that life has to offer is not something that we can buy but something that we can obtain by being a good person and caring for others. Yes, at times we must fight over another to reach the sun, but until we have reached the valley we have not seen the full circle of life to realize that the sun, is more than just the sun but it is the opsticals we must overcome; with others as well as ourselves to get there.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Shadow

I've felt love, I'm not talking wishy washy, I'm talking fairy tale...
Was there a happy ending, not at all, but that ending doesn't exist
Only in dreams

Every focus, every jeep, every song but one, every smile, every old couple. every Christmas, every grandpa, every picture, everything... reminds me of him. 

I have tried to grasp on the concept of letting go, have I yet truly... will I ever, I can't say for sure but I would guess no. I have felt the deepest loving pain through him. He is the reason why heart rejects other hearts, it is the only reason why I think love can exist.

Today, was the last time I ever "have" to stop at his house. The last time that I could have had an excuse to see him again... my heart has not moved on and the deepest pain has been within that closely tied somewhere within him. I am nobody perfect, or even close.... have I messed up yes, has he yes... but would I forgive to have a second back in his embrace... in a heartbeat.

Again I cry and every day his name runs through my head like an alarm to remind me. I have blocked emotional attachment because somewhere deep inside tells me that although I can get random texts, and late night calls that the reality is that it may never happen again.

Not saying that love can not be attainable else where but in knowing that commitment will not be reached until I have found someone truly capable of filling in that empty spot that was intended to be forever.

Pity, no. Do I want sympathy, no. Do I want closure, every day. 

We have all at one point or another have felt the feeling of what it could be to love, but with greedy terms of actuality in the knowing that it might be "a little too late." So every last moment, the last car ride, the last song played together on the radio, the last yell, the hurt, the tears, the screaming, was out of hurt because as young hearts, they learn. Learn that love can not be measured, can not be greedy, can not feel jealous or deceit but only hold the key to vulnerability and show yourself the possible tool to what your heart has been able to accept.

Over miles of travel, a 5 hour plane ride, what has stopped me? It hurts not knowing that the feeling on the other side of that distance is matched amongst your own. I feel challenged to wonders of what that feeling really is, and when the next text will arrive.

I have learned that I can not live with hopes, I have to live through the thought that other than love- I have been able to hold any dream at the palm of my hands. Who is to restrict me from the potential that I have been able to find within myself, no one. 

My heart bleeds red every time I realize what I had, what we had and to wonders if in the end he would ever come back... I heard this song the first time that I had ever set foot in his car and I think it was a sign to wonders if it was God's test, not just in believing in him- but to test if love, real love, fairy tale love should happen naturally- or him and I are supposed to come together to personal realization that it was meant this way....


Family Ties

I think that it is fair to say that no body has a "perfect" family. In all honesty what is a family without learning through hurt and pain....right?


I can say that my family is the definition of a disfunctional one. But through it all I can say that my love for them has been tested through this last year and has had me wonder what the future holds and what the thought of a "family" really is.


Through it all, my brother however has been my rock. Wether or not he choses to know that his strong will, past hurt, and growing pains are a part of adulthood, he must learn for himself. And I always have wondered where is the line where I should help guide him through the tough times to where I should let him make his own bumps in the road to learn and find self perseverance? 


I by no means the definition of a perfect sister, which is why I am stuck right now at this standstill in life. Where I for the longest while do not know where to go, or what to do.


Yesterday, my family ties have been challenged amongst obstacle over another and I wonder if the lack of guidance has caused the mishaps that I was supposed to, as a sister, prevent. I am at a point in life where I have learned who I want to be and who I am going to become for myself. I have realized that no stamp of approval is necessary to survive in life, because if in need for it- life will only be a a "pause" to future aspirations. I need to show that "fire" and spark within the one person in my family that has been that rock. And without his knowing has been the driving force that has became of myself now. I have been contemplating at this point with what I have learned in the last 24 hours, is real life, and I do not want to see the growing man that I know dwindle and be broken down because of this "stamp of approval" I had once tried to obtain (for it does not exist).


I know that I am not my brother, and I know that although he may not think so, he is stronger and wiser than myself. He has battled mine fields to overcome the pain and anguish that I could only imagine. I have raised my white flag, not only that but swinging it with the mere thought that I know my limits and I can no longer be the Guinea pig amongst a game/maze that is unbeatable. 


Created could have been a monster. I could have been exactly what I never want to be, and at any instant I could refrain from my personal goals to satisfy this "game". And right now I feel that my brother has been placed with me amongst this game and feels that in life he is set up to be outbeaten, but the truth... the truth is that self pride, confidence, and aspirations are in that word "SELF." We in life can CHOSE to become the victims or we can out beat the vicious set up and take control of our lives. Knowing that, we (ourselves), are sincerely the ONLY thing holding back from the world.


Yes, we can continue to make bad choices after choices, because it is the easiest thing to do. OR we can outwit and survive and go through pain, but to see true victory. True meaning see yourself, what we ourselves had to overcome to do this, alone.


He had told me that through his words that he feels like he does not feel like he has a family. When in reality he, if not any one, has had me all along. Forgotten that it is I too who has known his pain, who has tried to save him from crushing the idea of family, but now has seen as a growing man that we together might now have the best family. But I can know happily inside that he has been the single best thing in my life. He through it all has dealt and taken the pain, I know, for the both of us. And although he seems alone, I have been there all along. Actual presence is not a tally factor to being there spiritually, emotionally, and with love. 


I have never wanted to see him walk away from me and see him move hundreds of miles away. I have had dry tears and felt the biggest pain and regret inside as if my heart had been shredded to a million tiny pieces because I knew inside that he had to get out of the game. That he had to learn through possibly more mistakes but away from the biggest one. He again proved that the strongest will by returning and knowing that he had to see for himself what support system he has, and that I wish he would know that inside his support system has been there all along. He, has never been alone. 


And if needbe, we can cry those dryless tears together, because we both have had so much hurt inside that liquid love no longer pours from our eyes. 



Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Purple Day

So it dawned on me today what the meaning of "purple" day was all about. Have we really become so narrow minded that we need to have a day because six gay kids killed themselves due to the fact that we can't accept them in society.


We have become this country of acceptance. And we have boasted even to the fact of our equal rights to woman, blacks, races of all sorts... but when it comes to gays we can't let it happen?


There is NO reason that we as humans, like one another, should EVER have a reason not to accept someone because of their own morals and their way of life. Some may say that it is wrong, but to not accept and bully those who believe different than us is just inhumane and unethical.


And I know that I know little with the bible, but that seems to be the only excuse that those whom do not accept fall back to. In all reality, the bible can contradict many things that has changed the world we live in today. But is the main message of God not to accept people. Do you think that he would have created someone with certain feelings, human, if he did not want it to be accepted?


This is not to say that we all wether a woman, black, or anything had to fight to get their acceptance, but for us to bully those enough to drive them to death is unacceptable and should be ashamed.


We live knowing that we have limited years to learn, grow, become more knowledgeable, so some go to the mere extent of wasting their time intruding on others lives trying to impose what is wrong when judgement itself is the negative fuel to the fire.