Shadow

I've felt love, I'm not talking wishy washy, I'm talking fairy tale...

Was there a happy ending, not at all, but that ending doesn't exist

Only in dreams

Every focus, every jeep, every song but one, every smile, every old couple. every Christmas, every grandpa, every picture, everything... reminds me of him. 

I have tried to grasp on the concept of letting go, have I yet truly... will I ever, I can't say for sure but I would guess no. I have felt the deepest loving pain through him. He is the reason why heart rejects other hearts, it is the only reason why I think love can exist.

Today, was the last time I ever "have" to stop at his house. The last time that I could have had an excuse to see him again... my heart has not moved on and the deepest pain has been within that closely tied somewhere within him. I am nobody perfect, or even close.... have I messed up yes, has he yes... but would I forgive to have a second back in his embrace... in a heartbeat.

Again I cry and every day his name runs through my head like an alarm to remind me. I have blocked emotional attachment because somewhere deep inside tells me that although I can get random texts, and late night calls that the reality is that it may never happen again.

Not saying that love can not be attainable else where but in knowing that commitment will not be reached until I have found someone truly capable of filling in that empty spot that was intended to be forever.

Pity, no. Do I want sympathy, no. Do I want closure, every day. 

We have all at one point or another have felt the feeling of what it could be to love, but with greedy terms of actuality in the knowing that it might be "a little too late." So every last moment, the last car ride, the last song played together on the radio, the last yell, the hurt, the tears, the screaming, was out of hurt because as young hearts, they learn. Learn that love can not be measured, can not be greedy, can not feel jealous or deceit but only hold the key to vulnerability and show yourself the possible tool to what your heart has been able to accept.

Over miles of travel, a 5 hour plane ride, what has stopped me? It hurts not knowing that the feeling on the other side of that distance is matched amongst your own. I feel challenged to wonders of what that feeling really is, and when the next text will arrive.

I have learned that I can not live with hopes, I have to live through the thought that other than love- I have been able to hold any dream at the palm of my hands. Who is to restrict me from the potential that I have been able to find within myself, no one. 

My heart bleeds red every time I realize what I had, what we had and to wonders if in the end he would ever come back... I heard this song the first time that I had ever set foot in his car and I think it was a sign to wonders if it was God's test, not just in believing in him- but to test if love, real love, fairy tale love should happen naturally- or him and I are supposed to come together to personal realization that it was meant this way....

Family Ties

I think that it is fair to say that no body has a "perfect" family. In all honesty what is a family without learning through hurt and pain....right?


I can say that my family is the definition of a disfunctional one. But through it all I can say that my love for them has been tested through this last year and has had me wonder what the future holds and what the thought of a "family" really is.


Through it all, my brother however has been my rock. Wether or not he choses to know that his strong will, past hurt, and growing pains are a part of adulthood, he must learn for himself. And I always have wondered where is the line where I should help guide him through the tough times to where I should let him make his own bumps in the road to learn and find self perseverance? 


I by no means the definition of a perfect sister, which is why I am stuck right now at this standstill in life. Where I for the longest while do not know where to go, or what to do.


Yesterday, my family ties have been challenged amongst obstacle over another and I wonder if the lack of guidance has caused the mishaps that I was supposed to, as a sister, prevent. I am at a point in life where I have learned who I want to be and who I am going to become for myself. I have realized that no stamp of approval is necessary to survive in life, because if in need for it- life will only be a a "pause" to future aspirations. I need to show that "fire" and spark within the one person in my family that has been that rock. And without his knowing has been the driving force that has became of myself now. I have been contemplating at this point with what I have learned in the last 24 hours, is real life, and I do not want to see the growing man that I know dwindle and be broken down because of this "stamp of approval" I had once tried to obtain (for it does not exist).


I know that I am not my brother, and I know that although he may not think so, he is stronger and wiser than myself. He has battled mine fields to overcome the pain and anguish that I could only imagine. I have raised my white flag, not only that but swinging it with the mere thought that I know my limits and I can no longer be the Guinea pig amongst a game/maze that is unbeatable. 


Created could have been a monster. I could have been exactly what I never want to be, and at any instant I could refrain from my personal goals to satisfy this "game". And right now I feel that my brother has been placed with me amongst this game and feels that in life he is set up to be outbeaten, but the truth... the truth is that self pride, confidence, and aspirations are in that word "SELF." We in life can CHOSE to become the victims or we can out beat the vicious set up and take control of our lives. Knowing that, we (ourselves), are sincerely the ONLY thing holding back from the world.


Yes, we can continue to make bad choices after choices, because it is the easiest thing to do. OR we can outwit and survive and go through pain, but to see true victory. True meaning see yourself, what we ourselves had to overcome to do this, alone.


He had told me that through his words that he feels like he does not feel like he has a family. When in reality he, if not any one, has had me all along. Forgotten that it is I too who has known his pain, who has tried to save him from crushing the idea of family, but now has seen as a growing man that we together might now have the best family. But I can know happily inside that he has been the single best thing in my life. He through it all has dealt and taken the pain, I know, for the both of us. And although he seems alone, I have been there all along. Actual presence is not a tally factor to being there spiritually, emotionally, and with love. 


I have never wanted to see him walk away from me and see him move hundreds of miles away. I have had dry tears and felt the biggest pain and regret inside as if my heart had been shredded to a million tiny pieces because I knew inside that he had to get out of the game. That he had to learn through possibly more mistakes but away from the biggest one. He again proved that the strongest will by returning and knowing that he had to see for himself what support system he has, and that I wish he would know that inside his support system has been there all along. He, has never been alone. 


And if needbe, we can cry those dryless tears together, because we both have had so much hurt inside that liquid love no longer pours from our eyes. 

Purple Day

So it dawned on me today what the meaning of "purple" day was all about. Have we really become so narrow minded that we need to have a day because six gay kids killed themselves due to the fact that we can't accept them in society.


We have become this country of acceptance. And we have boasted even to the fact of our equal rights to woman, blacks, races of all sorts... but when it comes to gays we can't let it happen?


There is NO reason that we as humans, like one another, should EVER have a reason not to accept someone because of their own morals and their way of life. Some may say that it is wrong, but to not accept and bully those who believe different than us is just inhumane and unethical.


And I know that I know little with the bible, but that seems to be the only excuse that those whom do not accept fall back to. In all reality, the bible can contradict many things that has changed the world we live in today. But is the main message of God not to accept people. Do you think that he would have created someone with certain feelings, human, if he did not want it to be accepted?


This is not to say that we all wether a woman, black, or anything had to fight to get their acceptance, but for us to bully those enough to drive them to death is unacceptable and should be ashamed.


We live knowing that we have limited years to learn, grow, become more knowledgeable, so some go to the mere extent of wasting their time intruding on others lives trying to impose what is wrong when judgement itself is the negative fuel to the fire.