I can say that my family is the definition of a disfunctional one. But through it all I can say that my love for them has been tested through this last year and has had me wonder what the future holds and what the thought of a "family" really is.
Through it all, my brother however has been my rock. Wether or not he choses to know that his strong will, past hurt, and growing pains are a part of adulthood, he must learn for himself. And I always have wondered where is the line where I should help guide him through the tough times to where I should let him make his own bumps in the road to learn and find self perseverance?
I by no means the definition of a perfect sister, which is why I am stuck right now at this standstill in life. Where I for the longest while do not know where to go, or what to do.
Yesterday, my family ties have been challenged amongst obstacle over another and I wonder if the lack of guidance has caused the mishaps that I was supposed to, as a sister, prevent. I am at a point in life where I have learned who I want to be and who I am going to become for myself. I have realized that no stamp of approval is necessary to survive in life, because if in need for it- life will only be a a "pause" to future aspirations. I need to show that "fire" and spark within the one person in my family that has been that rock. And without his knowing has been the driving force that has became of myself now. I have been contemplating at this point with what I have learned in the last 24 hours, is real life, and I do not want to see the growing man that I know dwindle and be broken down because of this "stamp of approval" I had once tried to obtain (for it does not exist).
I know that I am not my brother, and I know that although he may not think so, he is stronger and wiser than myself. He has battled mine fields to overcome the pain and anguish that I could only imagine. I have raised my white flag, not only that but swinging it with the mere thought that I know my limits and I can no longer be the Guinea pig amongst a game/maze that is unbeatable.
Created could have been a monster. I could have been exactly what I never want to be, and at any instant I could refrain from my personal goals to satisfy this "game". And right now I feel that my brother has been placed with me amongst this game and feels that in life he is set up to be outbeaten, but the truth... the truth is that self pride, confidence, and aspirations are in that word "SELF." We in life can CHOSE to become the victims or we can out beat the vicious set up and take control of our lives. Knowing that, we (ourselves), are sincerely the ONLY thing holding back from the world.
Yes, we can continue to make bad choices after choices, because it is the easiest thing to do. OR we can outwit and survive and go through pain, but to see true victory. True meaning see yourself, what we ourselves had to overcome to do this, alone.
He had told me that through his words that he feels like he does not feel like he has a family. When in reality he, if not any one, has had me all along. Forgotten that it is I too who has known his pain, who has tried to save him from crushing the idea of family, but now has seen as a growing man that we together might now have the best family. But I can know happily inside that he has been the single best thing in my life. He through it all has dealt and taken the pain, I know, for the both of us. And although he seems alone, I have been there all along. Actual presence is not a tally factor to being there spiritually, emotionally, and with love.
I have never wanted to see him walk away from me and see him move hundreds of miles away. I have had dry tears and felt the biggest pain and regret inside as if my heart had been shredded to a million tiny pieces because I knew inside that he had to get out of the game. That he had to learn through possibly more mistakes but away from the biggest one. He again proved that the strongest will by returning and knowing that he had to see for himself what support system he has, and that I wish he would know that inside his support system has been there all along. He, has never been alone.
And if needbe, we can cry those dryless tears together, because we both have had so much hurt inside that liquid love no longer pours from our eyes.
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