Fall Backwards Faithfully

I just woke up to the most serene and beautiful sights-- city lights the size of marbles below, clouds at eye level & endless stars above to the abyss of hope and faith. 

An almost out of body experience that makes me forget my flight being 3 hours delayed and that tomorrow will be a long work day. I look up to the stars questioning faith, love and life -- 

My lids slowly close and wake up to another unexpected gift. In the distance two clouds producing lightning. A view so beautiful and yet uncapturable by camera (I tried several times). The light dances and tags other clouds, so far in the distance that worry is non-existence. 

// After long moments of self reflection //

The lightning comes near as the left wing lifts and we ascend. In this moment I realize-- life. In this moment I realize the beauty of the unexpected, unplanned and unknown. Almost more importantly comes the realization of lack of control & contentment. At one point or another we must give away control, to surrender to chance of the unknown. Our choices inevitably have led us to where we are, and where we are headed will be the result of the actions from our past and the decisions we make today. If we do all that we can-- in being honest to ourselves --we shall live with no regrets and our ability to accept and learn becomes empowerment more than contentment. 

I, we, shall live faithfully to the abyss, of endless inquiry to become better -- where our comfort zone is our biggest hurdle; it is within those confined walls we must challenge ourselves the most. 

Ultimately, however, no matter what we do to plan our destiny we will face unknown expectations and challenges that we may/may not have control over-- persistence and continuous strides in self improvement will be our allies. But we shall forever work as long and as hard as life's limitations allow-- and then walk to the cliff and fall backwards faithfully. 

We All Have Something to Give

"Each person we meet is either a blessing or a lesson." 

...I have found the more I listen and the less I judge the more I learn and the more adaptable I become. Shouldn't we all be that way? Live a life where we can freely be who it is we are, not question what we say.. with the intension that who we are in the truest form means well. 

If we focus more on becoming better listeners we can learn to be patient, accept  and love. The more I listen the more I become self-aware that no two people share the same knowledge, or set of experiences. That makes us unique, and able to offer something, no matter how small, back to the world. That is enough. 

I Need a Sign

I need a sign-- 

I am sitting on the hotel ground on the 17th floor in the 14th room through glass windows overlooking mountains and the city of Burbank, California. Why am I sitting here you may wonder, to contemplate-- to understand an end of a dream (possibly temporary) I have been chasing for the last year. Lately my posts, tweets and videos have been on questioning-- it seems to be that 24 is a pivotal point for me. I have never questioned life, my purpose, my journey more.  

It amazes me how fast things in life can be taken away, how quick the dreams of those who have worked so hard can be in the hands of so few and how life lessons always seem to come in unexpected packages. 

I am a young free spirit--thrilled and motivated by the next planned trip and by challenges that I set for myself to become better. I continuously attempt to push down barriers of negativity with my persistence in spreading positivity.  I don't find myself dulled or disappointed often, but here I am staring out these windows.

I don't want to get too far in the weeds with the particular circumstance that has me, today, in such a shade of gray. However, I will say that if you are reading this and ever thought for one second that life hands opportunities on a silver platter- that I want to know where that is-- because even in moments where everything seems aligned and that all that could have been done was done nothing can stop someone knocking on your door to tell you that you've been cut from an opportunity and it had nothing to do with you-- but that opportunity did not meet time simultaneously. 

They say everything in life happens for a reason... maybe the reason is that my opportunity will be next and destiny will pay back in greater dividends the next go-round. I hope this serves as motivation that even though the biggest opportunity has been taken away at the final leg of this race-- that I will be persistent, as we all should for the things we want and deeply motivated to do. 

We wait on miracles, or is that work?

We wait on miracles, or is that work?

Complacency has never been my thing, however, as of late I'm clouded by the reality of current circumstances and the desire to live the life of dreams where the probabilities are not in my favor. 

The beauty of the world we live in is that every goal can be achieved. We are told that hard work, passion and persistence will lead to success-- me, I am searching for passion. There is no doubt in my mind that the combination of those three attributes are destined to well rewarded outcomes...

So I have been traveling. Hoping that on this journey across the world, across the country, across the state that I will find a place-- find me. 

The more that I go on searching I realize the more it is that I want/need to know. I have found myself limited in depth, although spread laterally quite thin-- or as some say "jack of all trades master of none." So then I ask myself, what is it that I enjoy:

-Traveling

-Reading

-Hiking 

-Running

-Laughing/Joking

-Meeting New People

-Feeling Butterflies 

The irony in this all is that I don't think I could have worked harder to be where I am currently at, but here I stand (sit, on a plane) in more doubt questioning my purpose more than I ever have. Part of me believes this is the process of finding true self, the non-complacent (real) me is convinced that I should have this all figured out. 

--For now my uncertainty is my journey, but I'm sure once I find my purpose I'll be unstoppable. 

Broadcasting Reel

Hello 2015

"Day by day nothing seems to change, but if you look back a year ago nothing is the same." 

I recall an 18 year old me New Year's Eve sitting in a windowless bedroom thinking I had six hours to be invited somewhere, to belong, to want to be wanted. It was two hours before the ball dropped I realized that no one was going to call, and that I was to face the year alone. Yes, it was just a few years ago that I believed my happiness was in the heart of others. And, it was just years ago that I believed living in a world with only myself would be the best way to live; I used to tell myself that being happy alone, and limiting myself to no real friends would put me out of harms way to be hurt, disappointed and broken. 

Boy, was I wrong. 

They do say that age brings on wisdom, but I have learned that wisdom is within the lessons we learn, not the years in which we possess. It is when we allow ourselves to be human, taking on the risks of emotion, error and commitment that we become alive. 

Now, every year I reflect on New Years, remembering where I have come and also remembering a more naive me (not to say that I am not now) thinking that taking on the world alone would grant far more reassurance and happiness. Every year I take myself back to previous New Years reminiscing on this thing called life, who I have grown to be and who I aspire to become. But, I always find myself in the spirit of where I was at 18- to when I felt most alone, and hope that no one feels as alone as I once did. 

I know this blog post isn't like my past ones. To start off the year I wanted to share a piece of me, a story, to help those around me know who I am, to see me through a fishbowl to know that every time this year, or any day, is an opportunity to restart. Just remember, we are only given things we can handle, and how we choose to handle each situation creates a stronger self in which we can learn from- but it all starts when we take a step back, analyze and proceed with positive actions toward change. Hello 2015.