Was there a happy ending, not at all, but that ending doesn't exist
Only in dreams
Every focus, every jeep, every song but one, every smile, every old couple. every Christmas, every grandpa, every picture, everything... reminds me of him.
I have tried to grasp on the concept of letting go, have I yet truly... will I ever, I can't say for sure but I would guess no. I have felt the deepest loving pain through him. He is the reason why heart rejects other hearts, it is the only reason why I think love can exist.
Today, was the last time I ever "have" to stop at his house. The last time that I could have had an excuse to see him again... my heart has not moved on and the deepest pain has been within that closely tied somewhere within him. I am nobody perfect, or even close.... have I messed up yes, has he yes... but would I forgive to have a second back in his embrace... in a heartbeat.
Again I cry and every day his name runs through my head like an alarm to remind me. I have blocked emotional attachment because somewhere deep inside tells me that although I can get random texts, and late night calls that the reality is that it may never happen again.
Not saying that love can not be attainable else where but in knowing that commitment will not be reached until I have found someone truly capable of filling in that empty spot that was intended to be forever.
Pity, no. Do I want sympathy, no. Do I want closure, every day.
We have all at one point or another have felt the feeling of what it could be to love, but with greedy terms of actuality in the knowing that it might be "a little too late." So every last moment, the last car ride, the last song played together on the radio, the last yell, the hurt, the tears, the screaming, was out of hurt because as young hearts, they learn. Learn that love can not be measured, can not be greedy, can not feel jealous or deceit but only hold the key to vulnerability and show yourself the possible tool to what your heart has been able to accept.
Over miles of travel, a 5 hour plane ride, what has stopped me? It hurts not knowing that the feeling on the other side of that distance is matched amongst your own. I feel challenged to wonders of what that feeling really is, and when the next text will arrive.
I have learned that I can not live with hopes, I have to live through the thought that other than love- I have been able to hold any dream at the palm of my hands. Who is to restrict me from the potential that I have been able to find within myself, no one.
My heart bleeds red every time I realize what I had, what we had and to wonders if in the end he would ever come back... I heard this song the first time that I had ever set foot in his car and I think it was a sign to wonders if it was God's test, not just in believing in him- but to test if love, real love, fairy tale love should happen naturally- or him and I are supposed to come together to personal realization that it was meant this way....
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