Between us all we over the years build up character that inevitably is a representation of who we are and/or who we will become. We will soon find through the various mishaps we learn along the way that persistency builds character, not the willingness to let go or back down. There is no such thing as "mistake" every thing and every one is created in this world to symbolize the true importance of emotion.
It would be un-humane to say that we are emotionless from every thing and every one. That is not reality. Those of my fan base who knows me personally knows that this is the demeanor that I try to portray about myself, but I am going to break this down.
Wether we like to admit to them or not we are what we choose to be, not by fate or by how we are raised... we are what we chose to do with what we were given. Growing towards adulthood we have understood the responsibility, compassion, and attachment to certain things we surround ourselves with; wether this be living in the library to build knowledge, choose to go to the local tea shop every other night to hang with the friends, or booking a ticket to Chicago just to see where the day can go...
Although some of us may portray ourselves as consistently strong willed, passionate, and focused we all have weaknesses. It is important to reflect that we together can create a better future and better lifestyle. When the continuous force of trying to repel the natural surfaces our own dreams and thoughts become distorted.
We all stand for something and as someone wise told me, "Be yourself every one else is taken." As simple as this motto is, I try to live up to that. We can continuously do things in order to alter the perception of what others think of us, but intrinsically we can provide, aware, and love others only if we are only being honest with ourselves.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
"Its Not About the Money, Money, Money...Forget About the Price Tag"
We adhere to the pleasure and happiness that we are ran by, money. Look at the world around us... every day decisions not necessarily based on merit is in constant deals and deeds to make up our surroundings. We continually persist to the idea that in order to have happiness we must make money.
Then we must questions the thoughts that cross our minds in a given day and the worthiness of the true perplexities that really do make us happy. As much as we would like to put daily decisions on this balance beam and through our own experiences realize that often it is left unchanged. At the end of the day we have to remember that our future emotions and life choices in what we choose to want to be, and who we really are is the most sufficient reason to weigh down a clearer conscious.
Without our emotions we are robots ran and under control of this inanimate object. It is when we begin to realize that money is attainable by all, and all is judged within the contingency that is what? That is the value in which we believe each distinct object is labeled. When we step away from the power that we have so labeled we begin to realize who we ourselves are and can better learn to understand one another.
Then we must questions the thoughts that cross our minds in a given day and the worthiness of the true perplexities that really do make us happy. As much as we would like to put daily decisions on this balance beam and through our own experiences realize that often it is left unchanged. At the end of the day we have to remember that our future emotions and life choices in what we choose to want to be, and who we really are is the most sufficient reason to weigh down a clearer conscious.
Without our emotions we are robots ran and under control of this inanimate object. It is when we begin to realize that money is attainable by all, and all is judged within the contingency that is what? That is the value in which we believe each distinct object is labeled. When we step away from the power that we have so labeled we begin to realize who we ourselves are and can better learn to understand one another.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Why Must We Wait
Why is it that most often it isn't until a dramatic experience that we exit this world of concentration on solely ourselves. I have yet understood if it is the society that we are raised in or lack of guidance to the understanding of humanity. We wait until someone has passed, until we realize the nth amount of times that we should have spent caring and tending to their needs. Or wait until we are in a car accident to realize that as easy as life can be given, in any instance, can be taken away. But what is the purpose of waiting, when life isn't going to pause at the grasp of this realization.
We fail to realize that it is only within each of us, individually, that we can start to view a better world for ourselves and our posterity by just "living." Living with the realizations that as time ticks away that there are people dying, emotions to be tended to, a world of endless opportunities; in that we must be thankful... spend the extra time outside during a break at work, realize that if you are already late for work...enjoy the car ride there (we can't change what is already done, but rather change our mentality for the future), sing on the top of your lungs in the shower, give a sincere compliment (jealousy is not an excuse for cruelty), and sometimes just make the time... not only for yourself but to let people in that you may have not otherwise.
We must step away from this cyclical lifestyle day by day, Here we are not necessarily living but rather "being" in this world that can embrace our singular desires, thoughts, and emotions in the betterment of the majority by sharing our similarities and accepting our differences. It is when we put our guards down of vulnerability that we comprehend that we all are more alike than we think in some way, but the first step is understanding ourself. And as I always say, we must learn to love ourselves before we can learn to love another.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Dear Vulnerability,
We live in this world that is in this constant flux. Where decisions are made more rapidly than sometimes we can decipher its true continuity.Where blurred visions of our future is at the end of this attainable road, but alters like the slides in a classic movie. Where love is a word thrown out amongst many to distinguish value, meaning, consistency... but here is where it is different.
It's been not to so long that I have visited you last. It's the start to my day as much as I banter and try to make you void you continually come back. I have been told vulnerability is self worth the identifier in allowing people in to this world that I have so long kept distant. Like a magnet I repel those who do not see a similar vision. Those who do not understand, and even some that do. In the hearts of hearts, I have come to realize that love has a true stamp. One in which has been the mirror image when I look in the mirror and reflect on what I see.
They call me miss independent, too perfect, triple threat... I call it late nights reflecting pasts that no longer can be changed and with some desire to once again grasp on to something I have yet attained since I have let go. It is too often that I wish that I can go back in time. And it is you that has been the ghost of sleepless nights.
It's been not to so long that I have visited you last. It's the start to my day as much as I banter and try to make you void you continually come back. I have been told vulnerability is self worth the identifier in allowing people in to this world that I have so long kept distant. Like a magnet I repel those who do not see a similar vision. Those who do not understand, and even some that do. In the hearts of hearts, I have come to realize that love has a true stamp. One in which has been the mirror image when I look in the mirror and reflect on what I see.
They call me miss independent, too perfect, triple threat... I call it late nights reflecting pasts that no longer can be changed and with some desire to once again grasp on to something I have yet attained since I have let go. It is too often that I wish that I can go back in time. And it is you that has been the ghost of sleepless nights.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Motivation
It has dawned on me today the ramifications into what makes us humane. We have been grown, in my generation, to become selfishly involved into the politics, global and social issues, and life itself. We have built upon the precedent that the strongest come on top and that everything else is second best. We have lost track to whom we are, really. We must realize that we as individuals alone stand as nothing, but built upon together make a union.
I do not understand, maybe it is that I am still young and naive, the world as it is now. We live in a society where we want so much such as "going green" and conservation of energy. We get upset at government for not doing enough to maintain the world we live in, as we walk past with our picket signs waving "recycle" as we pass paper cups without consideration of picking them up. We want government to solve our world's problems without taking personal responsibility to doing it ourselves. It all starts with us. We continue to go to war trying to spread democracy from country to country without hesitating to the factors that life as we know is becoming dissipated with intolerance and little sympathy of histories mistakes. We can not change the textbooks of our time, but we can alter our perceptions of what it can become.
It becomes all too easy to sit and watch the world pass. To give judgements as we sit at our televisions waiting for the next breaking news. Watching countries fight other countries, and where the word "war" is far too common. As missiles fire and more and more families die we just watch and forget that this is the world we choose to make it. As we send out loved ones out to fight and reflect on pictures they send back we can begin to realize that the world is turning to hatred when the strongest power is love. There are establishing countries that lack food and water and yet instead of trying to seek adequate living for all we are fighting a war in which should enable peace and understanding.
We far to often seek to help others without trying to understand. I believe, now, we are living in a world with misunderstandings. We all have the same goals of positivity, success, and love, but we mask them behind our insecurities of fear, but for what?
We can continuously make excuses to stop ourselves from our biggest goals in life. The soup kitchen you want to volunteer at, travel the world, try new foods, or help other people. But, when does the inside voice finally lose and your heart speak? Why not set time away now for the movements you want to do before they are too late. Life is way to short to sit back wondering when the next good thing in your life is going to appear, it really is. Months, years, its too late... continual movement and process is pressing for more beginnings and that positive spread for hope to others to see.
Although easier said than done, we need to step away from the constant negativity and realize that it is a lot easier to give in to that continuous cycle, but once set free the world to positivity and enlightenment is attainable. In that, we need to understand each other. Realize that being upset over misunderstandings can lead into unnecessary arguments and exchanges of hatred that never was fully intended. That we all, all over the world, have reason to love and care for one another. That being ourselves in life is what is intended and that sometimes all we need is ourselves to make the initial steps towards happiness to spread the message that we all live in this world together, and we need to stop thinking solely on just our generation but future generations for our childrens' children.
I do not understand, maybe it is that I am still young and naive, the world as it is now. We live in a society where we want so much such as "going green" and conservation of energy. We get upset at government for not doing enough to maintain the world we live in, as we walk past with our picket signs waving "recycle" as we pass paper cups without consideration of picking them up. We want government to solve our world's problems without taking personal responsibility to doing it ourselves. It all starts with us. We continue to go to war trying to spread democracy from country to country without hesitating to the factors that life as we know is becoming dissipated with intolerance and little sympathy of histories mistakes. We can not change the textbooks of our time, but we can alter our perceptions of what it can become.
It becomes all too easy to sit and watch the world pass. To give judgements as we sit at our televisions waiting for the next breaking news. Watching countries fight other countries, and where the word "war" is far too common. As missiles fire and more and more families die we just watch and forget that this is the world we choose to make it. As we send out loved ones out to fight and reflect on pictures they send back we can begin to realize that the world is turning to hatred when the strongest power is love. There are establishing countries that lack food and water and yet instead of trying to seek adequate living for all we are fighting a war in which should enable peace and understanding.
We far to often seek to help others without trying to understand. I believe, now, we are living in a world with misunderstandings. We all have the same goals of positivity, success, and love, but we mask them behind our insecurities of fear, but for what?
We can continuously make excuses to stop ourselves from our biggest goals in life. The soup kitchen you want to volunteer at, travel the world, try new foods, or help other people. But, when does the inside voice finally lose and your heart speak? Why not set time away now for the movements you want to do before they are too late. Life is way to short to sit back wondering when the next good thing in your life is going to appear, it really is. Months, years, its too late... continual movement and process is pressing for more beginnings and that positive spread for hope to others to see.
Although easier said than done, we need to step away from the constant negativity and realize that it is a lot easier to give in to that continuous cycle, but once set free the world to positivity and enlightenment is attainable. In that, we need to understand each other. Realize that being upset over misunderstandings can lead into unnecessary arguments and exchanges of hatred that never was fully intended. That we all, all over the world, have reason to love and care for one another. That being ourselves in life is what is intended and that sometimes all we need is ourselves to make the initial steps towards happiness to spread the message that we all live in this world together, and we need to stop thinking solely on just our generation but future generations for our childrens' children.
Monday, March 28, 2011
You are Beautiful
Through observation I have better understood who we women tend to be society. We play as a pawn in this role in life to alter our ways and live to impress. We through nurture have became prone to the negative thought of jealousy. But we must reflect to ourselves what jealousy really consists of, and if it is something that we can alter.
We women, daily, make judgements to what we want people to see the expectations in which we put forth for others to follow. There is no denying this because in time we all have made judgements, daily ones, in which we put forth not solely for our personal advancement, but for others to see and mimic. It is something us women take pride in, because as the world around us continues to change we set precedence into the society on our footprint mark in which we want others to see. Wether this may be as little as putting on makeup for others to notice, or to get a raise at work, we all are subject to it.
Through observing I have began to realize, in noticing my own self the strength jealousy plays in society.We women walk around with our noses held high without realizing the individual importance every woman in society plays. The snobbish inconsistencies with the fake smiles and the negative connotations wether it be through body language or eye contact. We must realize that we all, in our way, are beautiful. And instead of living out our interior beauty we stick our noses in the air.
Task: All my female followers I want to say "you're beautiful" or "gorgeous" to eight people today/tomorrow.
This simple deed will show you how much easier it is to neglect someone as a person than it is to notice the beautiful people around us all the time. Also, in that you begin to realize how certain peoples' actions make them more/less beautiful. If you dive into it even more than just at surface value you begin to think and wonder of the beauty not only in our society, but begin to wonder what is classified as beauty amongst other cultures/faiths/etc. And how our built prejudices alter our interpretation of "beautiful" and that it almost comes to us as instinctive to judgements based on someone's' exterior, and as a whole we need to shift away from this thought as a society.
To the woman noticed: It is often that we take things for granted, We realize that we may have good hair, eyes, smile, skin, or whatever it may be without realization that sometimes we become so wrapped up in it. We must step away and make sure that we validate that there is a difference between confidence and arrogance. But, I do also know that it is the people that are most noticed that are often most alone. We begin to seclude ourselves into a world because we become too self-sufficient and we begin to leave others that want to be a part out of the equation. We, must become more balanced in the circle of life and realize that all people that we encountered with in life make us who we are. There are no reasons for jealous behavior, or to put ourselves on this petistole because we are all human, some more gifted than others, but wether we realize it or not, our personality soon becomes distorted to others through what we express to others and that is truly what makes us beautiful or ugly.
To the woman unnoticed: As much as we think beauty goes unnoticed, people see the most true charisma and character in us that are unnoticed. The trick is finding what it is within ourselves what makes us, us... and express that the world. Have you ever heard the saying, you are your own worst critic; although it seems the world is against us for the majority of the time I promise you once we realize that self-sufficiency and confidence is found only within ourselves we begin to realize that life is capable of open doors that are waiting for us to walk through. We create this world, as much as we think that it is already premeditated and set in stone; it just takes one person to realize within themselves that they can make a difference. So, no more rollin eyes at other girls or wishing that you were someone else. The true gift is when we fully allow ourselves to love we will see that love will find us. It is when we give the world a chance to just let it live and we do actions and realizations for ourselves that we truly make a change.
We women, daily, make judgements to what we want people to see the expectations in which we put forth for others to follow. There is no denying this because in time we all have made judgements, daily ones, in which we put forth not solely for our personal advancement, but for others to see and mimic. It is something us women take pride in, because as the world around us continues to change we set precedence into the society on our footprint mark in which we want others to see. Wether this may be as little as putting on makeup for others to notice, or to get a raise at work, we all are subject to it.
Through observing I have began to realize, in noticing my own self the strength jealousy plays in society.We women walk around with our noses held high without realizing the individual importance every woman in society plays. The snobbish inconsistencies with the fake smiles and the negative connotations wether it be through body language or eye contact. We must realize that we all, in our way, are beautiful. And instead of living out our interior beauty we stick our noses in the air.
Task: All my female followers I want to say "you're beautiful" or "gorgeous" to eight people today/tomorrow.
This simple deed will show you how much easier it is to neglect someone as a person than it is to notice the beautiful people around us all the time. Also, in that you begin to realize how certain peoples' actions make them more/less beautiful. If you dive into it even more than just at surface value you begin to think and wonder of the beauty not only in our society, but begin to wonder what is classified as beauty amongst other cultures/faiths/etc. And how our built prejudices alter our interpretation of "beautiful" and that it almost comes to us as instinctive to judgements based on someone's' exterior, and as a whole we need to shift away from this thought as a society.
To the woman noticed: It is often that we take things for granted, We realize that we may have good hair, eyes, smile, skin, or whatever it may be without realization that sometimes we become so wrapped up in it. We must step away and make sure that we validate that there is a difference between confidence and arrogance. But, I do also know that it is the people that are most noticed that are often most alone. We begin to seclude ourselves into a world because we become too self-sufficient and we begin to leave others that want to be a part out of the equation. We, must become more balanced in the circle of life and realize that all people that we encountered with in life make us who we are. There are no reasons for jealous behavior, or to put ourselves on this petistole because we are all human, some more gifted than others, but wether we realize it or not, our personality soon becomes distorted to others through what we express to others and that is truly what makes us beautiful or ugly.
To the woman unnoticed: As much as we think beauty goes unnoticed, people see the most true charisma and character in us that are unnoticed. The trick is finding what it is within ourselves what makes us, us... and express that the world. Have you ever heard the saying, you are your own worst critic; although it seems the world is against us for the majority of the time I promise you once we realize that self-sufficiency and confidence is found only within ourselves we begin to realize that life is capable of open doors that are waiting for us to walk through. We create this world, as much as we think that it is already premeditated and set in stone; it just takes one person to realize within themselves that they can make a difference. So, no more rollin eyes at other girls or wishing that you were someone else. The true gift is when we fully allow ourselves to love we will see that love will find us. It is when we give the world a chance to just let it live and we do actions and realizations for ourselves that we truly make a change.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
But Only Pawns
As crisis formulate in the world around us, we must question what significance our opinions and our intuitions really hold.
The problems arising in Cairo, Egypt have only formulated these questions in which we have learned from the pages of our history textbooks. As children we are taught through pages and pages of unfolding truths of our past; that it is because one person took the initiative that our world has formulated to what it is today.
These unfolded truths trail to present date and back to prejudices, in which still exist. These repercussions of negligence have only resurfaced in our world that seem to be formatted to the social and governmental beliefs. We must now question ourselves into how, after years of teaching of morality, we can not concur to humanity.
How we can after decades of trial and error hold this animosity towards another when the remedy to humility is acceptance towards all. We have guarded up ourselves these walls that over time we have decimated but have reconstructed enviousness of each other. The solution in finding our problems, first is accepting that we are all different.
Think of the establishment of government, in which it was intended. Governmental status was created in order to provide society a sense of direction and security, and now has been corrupted into analytical guide lines. Freedom in which some of us view as constructive; others take for granted, and test our legal acceptances.
In comparison I have wondered how the idea of an established government over many decades recently have been rendered to this idea of social responsibility; and how come through this process we have sacrificed mankind to attain it.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Changes
As I reflect to the past and most definitely through the last couple weeks I have realized the value of change.
I through the years have seen people come in and go. I feel that life is but a simple capture, as a snap shot of just one instance in time. We can all sit and stand faking the tears behind the pearly white smile, but deep inside we hold truth the world's changes and life; with it's changes. It is in this instant that we recall past experiences of hurt, happiness, sorrow, heartbreak of the many things we, ourselves, have been through to where stand now today.
In some time or another we have all felt love, either through family, friends, or a relationship. We have gathered people in this circle of life to grow and expand our ways of thinking with us. To notice our values and our morals to stand corrected although other factors constantly continue to change. We see through the golden gate brides that beyond our pigment of our imagination is success. We are see this as attainable and although want to reach it, no matter how strong and focused we are, must seek guidance. Wether through a question, suggestion, reasoning, or critique we live life.
Now, it is the part of my life where pages are constantly turning, over and over. Chapters are writing without spell check as learning experiences are becoming overwhelmed in the palms of my hands. A stronger power, stronger than I can be at this time, would never allow me to take what I can't handle therefore I play this life like a game. Without the mentality of ever surrendering I attain more, as I reach for personal strength and bigger dreams. Each experience leading to the next, I do not follow... I lead.
I refuse to back down to the lies, the internal battles, and the cries... because at the end of the tunnel I see the only thing that can ever stand in my way to the road of eternity, myself.
Changes, something within ourselves can we truly see. We, at different points realize when things have changed. Yet another page. A page in this endless book of hope and wonders, and to which I know this book can be endless.... we write our own books. We hold the pen firm in our hands to believe the way that we want to interpret the world around us, we decide what is worth while, what we can handle, and what chances are to take to be completely satisfied that our life is being balanced between moral satisfaction, and to knowing that we can no longer live with regrets. We must challenge the world around us to believe that we are so much more than what can be offered to any physical numerical value.
Love, happiness, spirit... the greatest gifts that life has to offer is not something that we can buy but something that we can obtain by being a good person and caring for others. Yes, at times we must fight over another to reach the sun, but until we have reached the valley we have not seen the full circle of life to realize that the sun, is more than just the sun but it is the opsticals we must overcome; with others as well as ourselves to get there.
I through the years have seen people come in and go. I feel that life is but a simple capture, as a snap shot of just one instance in time. We can all sit and stand faking the tears behind the pearly white smile, but deep inside we hold truth the world's changes and life; with it's changes. It is in this instant that we recall past experiences of hurt, happiness, sorrow, heartbreak of the many things we, ourselves, have been through to where stand now today.
In some time or another we have all felt love, either through family, friends, or a relationship. We have gathered people in this circle of life to grow and expand our ways of thinking with us. To notice our values and our morals to stand corrected although other factors constantly continue to change. We see through the golden gate brides that beyond our pigment of our imagination is success. We are see this as attainable and although want to reach it, no matter how strong and focused we are, must seek guidance. Wether through a question, suggestion, reasoning, or critique we live life.
Now, it is the part of my life where pages are constantly turning, over and over. Chapters are writing without spell check as learning experiences are becoming overwhelmed in the palms of my hands. A stronger power, stronger than I can be at this time, would never allow me to take what I can't handle therefore I play this life like a game. Without the mentality of ever surrendering I attain more, as I reach for personal strength and bigger dreams. Each experience leading to the next, I do not follow... I lead.
I refuse to back down to the lies, the internal battles, and the cries... because at the end of the tunnel I see the only thing that can ever stand in my way to the road of eternity, myself.
Changes, something within ourselves can we truly see. We, at different points realize when things have changed. Yet another page. A page in this endless book of hope and wonders, and to which I know this book can be endless.... we write our own books. We hold the pen firm in our hands to believe the way that we want to interpret the world around us, we decide what is worth while, what we can handle, and what chances are to take to be completely satisfied that our life is being balanced between moral satisfaction, and to knowing that we can no longer live with regrets. We must challenge the world around us to believe that we are so much more than what can be offered to any physical numerical value.
Love, happiness, spirit... the greatest gifts that life has to offer is not something that we can buy but something that we can obtain by being a good person and caring for others. Yes, at times we must fight over another to reach the sun, but until we have reached the valley we have not seen the full circle of life to realize that the sun, is more than just the sun but it is the opsticals we must overcome; with others as well as ourselves to get there.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Shadow
I've felt love, I'm not talking wishy washy, I'm talking fairy tale...
Was there a happy ending, not at all, but that ending doesn't exist
Only in dreams
Every focus, every jeep, every song but one, every smile, every old couple. every Christmas, every grandpa, every picture, everything... reminds me of him.
I have tried to grasp on the concept of letting go, have I yet truly... will I ever, I can't say for sure but I would guess no. I have felt the deepest loving pain through him. He is the reason why heart rejects other hearts, it is the only reason why I think love can exist.
Today, was the last time I ever "have" to stop at his house. The last time that I could have had an excuse to see him again... my heart has not moved on and the deepest pain has been within that closely tied somewhere within him. I am nobody perfect, or even close.... have I messed up yes, has he yes... but would I forgive to have a second back in his embrace... in a heartbeat.
Again I cry and every day his name runs through my head like an alarm to remind me. I have blocked emotional attachment because somewhere deep inside tells me that although I can get random texts, and late night calls that the reality is that it may never happen again.
Not saying that love can not be attainable else where but in knowing that commitment will not be reached until I have found someone truly capable of filling in that empty spot that was intended to be forever.
Pity, no. Do I want sympathy, no. Do I want closure, every day.
We have all at one point or another have felt the feeling of what it could be to love, but with greedy terms of actuality in the knowing that it might be "a little too late." So every last moment, the last car ride, the last song played together on the radio, the last yell, the hurt, the tears, the screaming, was out of hurt because as young hearts, they learn. Learn that love can not be measured, can not be greedy, can not feel jealous or deceit but only hold the key to vulnerability and show yourself the possible tool to what your heart has been able to accept.
Over miles of travel, a 5 hour plane ride, what has stopped me? It hurts not knowing that the feeling on the other side of that distance is matched amongst your own. I feel challenged to wonders of what that feeling really is, and when the next text will arrive.
I have learned that I can not live with hopes, I have to live through the thought that other than love- I have been able to hold any dream at the palm of my hands. Who is to restrict me from the potential that I have been able to find within myself, no one.
My heart bleeds red every time I realize what I had, what we had and to wonders if in the end he would ever come back... I heard this song the first time that I had ever set foot in his car and I think it was a sign to wonders if it was God's test, not just in believing in him- but to test if love, real love, fairy tale love should happen naturally- or him and I are supposed to come together to personal realization that it was meant this way....
Family Ties
I think that it is fair to say that no body has a "perfect" family. In all honesty what is a family without learning through hurt and pain....right?
I can say that my family is the definition of a disfunctional one. But through it all I can say that my love for them has been tested through this last year and has had me wonder what the future holds and what the thought of a "family" really is.
Through it all, my brother however has been my rock. Wether or not he choses to know that his strong will, past hurt, and growing pains are a part of adulthood, he must learn for himself. And I always have wondered where is the line where I should help guide him through the tough times to where I should let him make his own bumps in the road to learn and find self perseverance?
I by no means the definition of a perfect sister, which is why I am stuck right now at this standstill in life. Where I for the longest while do not know where to go, or what to do.
Yesterday, my family ties have been challenged amongst obstacle over another and I wonder if the lack of guidance has caused the mishaps that I was supposed to, as a sister, prevent. I am at a point in life where I have learned who I want to be and who I am going to become for myself. I have realized that no stamp of approval is necessary to survive in life, because if in need for it- life will only be a a "pause" to future aspirations. I need to show that "fire" and spark within the one person in my family that has been that rock. And without his knowing has been the driving force that has became of myself now. I have been contemplating at this point with what I have learned in the last 24 hours, is real life, and I do not want to see the growing man that I know dwindle and be broken down because of this "stamp of approval" I had once tried to obtain (for it does not exist).
I know that I am not my brother, and I know that although he may not think so, he is stronger and wiser than myself. He has battled mine fields to overcome the pain and anguish that I could only imagine. I have raised my white flag, not only that but swinging it with the mere thought that I know my limits and I can no longer be the Guinea pig amongst a game/maze that is unbeatable.
Created could have been a monster. I could have been exactly what I never want to be, and at any instant I could refrain from my personal goals to satisfy this "game". And right now I feel that my brother has been placed with me amongst this game and feels that in life he is set up to be outbeaten, but the truth... the truth is that self pride, confidence, and aspirations are in that word "SELF." We in life can CHOSE to become the victims or we can out beat the vicious set up and take control of our lives. Knowing that, we (ourselves), are sincerely the ONLY thing holding back from the world.
Yes, we can continue to make bad choices after choices, because it is the easiest thing to do. OR we can outwit and survive and go through pain, but to see true victory. True meaning see yourself, what we ourselves had to overcome to do this, alone.
He had told me that through his words that he feels like he does not feel like he has a family. When in reality he, if not any one, has had me all along. Forgotten that it is I too who has known his pain, who has tried to save him from crushing the idea of family, but now has seen as a growing man that we together might now have the best family. But I can know happily inside that he has been the single best thing in my life. He through it all has dealt and taken the pain, I know, for the both of us. And although he seems alone, I have been there all along. Actual presence is not a tally factor to being there spiritually, emotionally, and with love.
I have never wanted to see him walk away from me and see him move hundreds of miles away. I have had dry tears and felt the biggest pain and regret inside as if my heart had been shredded to a million tiny pieces because I knew inside that he had to get out of the game. That he had to learn through possibly more mistakes but away from the biggest one. He again proved that the strongest will by returning and knowing that he had to see for himself what support system he has, and that I wish he would know that inside his support system has been there all along. He, has never been alone.
And if needbe, we can cry those dryless tears together, because we both have had so much hurt inside that liquid love no longer pours from our eyes.
I can say that my family is the definition of a disfunctional one. But through it all I can say that my love for them has been tested through this last year and has had me wonder what the future holds and what the thought of a "family" really is.
Through it all, my brother however has been my rock. Wether or not he choses to know that his strong will, past hurt, and growing pains are a part of adulthood, he must learn for himself. And I always have wondered where is the line where I should help guide him through the tough times to where I should let him make his own bumps in the road to learn and find self perseverance?
I by no means the definition of a perfect sister, which is why I am stuck right now at this standstill in life. Where I for the longest while do not know where to go, or what to do.
Yesterday, my family ties have been challenged amongst obstacle over another and I wonder if the lack of guidance has caused the mishaps that I was supposed to, as a sister, prevent. I am at a point in life where I have learned who I want to be and who I am going to become for myself. I have realized that no stamp of approval is necessary to survive in life, because if in need for it- life will only be a a "pause" to future aspirations. I need to show that "fire" and spark within the one person in my family that has been that rock. And without his knowing has been the driving force that has became of myself now. I have been contemplating at this point with what I have learned in the last 24 hours, is real life, and I do not want to see the growing man that I know dwindle and be broken down because of this "stamp of approval" I had once tried to obtain (for it does not exist).
I know that I am not my brother, and I know that although he may not think so, he is stronger and wiser than myself. He has battled mine fields to overcome the pain and anguish that I could only imagine. I have raised my white flag, not only that but swinging it with the mere thought that I know my limits and I can no longer be the Guinea pig amongst a game/maze that is unbeatable.
Created could have been a monster. I could have been exactly what I never want to be, and at any instant I could refrain from my personal goals to satisfy this "game". And right now I feel that my brother has been placed with me amongst this game and feels that in life he is set up to be outbeaten, but the truth... the truth is that self pride, confidence, and aspirations are in that word "SELF." We in life can CHOSE to become the victims or we can out beat the vicious set up and take control of our lives. Knowing that, we (ourselves), are sincerely the ONLY thing holding back from the world.
Yes, we can continue to make bad choices after choices, because it is the easiest thing to do. OR we can outwit and survive and go through pain, but to see true victory. True meaning see yourself, what we ourselves had to overcome to do this, alone.
He had told me that through his words that he feels like he does not feel like he has a family. When in reality he, if not any one, has had me all along. Forgotten that it is I too who has known his pain, who has tried to save him from crushing the idea of family, but now has seen as a growing man that we together might now have the best family. But I can know happily inside that he has been the single best thing in my life. He through it all has dealt and taken the pain, I know, for the both of us. And although he seems alone, I have been there all along. Actual presence is not a tally factor to being there spiritually, emotionally, and with love.
I have never wanted to see him walk away from me and see him move hundreds of miles away. I have had dry tears and felt the biggest pain and regret inside as if my heart had been shredded to a million tiny pieces because I knew inside that he had to get out of the game. That he had to learn through possibly more mistakes but away from the biggest one. He again proved that the strongest will by returning and knowing that he had to see for himself what support system he has, and that I wish he would know that inside his support system has been there all along. He, has never been alone.
And if needbe, we can cry those dryless tears together, because we both have had so much hurt inside that liquid love no longer pours from our eyes.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Purple Day
So it dawned on me today what the meaning of "purple" day was all about. Have we really become so narrow minded that we need to have a day because six gay kids killed themselves due to the fact that we can't accept them in society.
We have become this country of acceptance. And we have boasted even to the fact of our equal rights to woman, blacks, races of all sorts... but when it comes to gays we can't let it happen?
There is NO reason that we as humans, like one another, should EVER have a reason not to accept someone because of their own morals and their way of life. Some may say that it is wrong, but to not accept and bully those who believe different than us is just inhumane and unethical.
And I know that I know little with the bible, but that seems to be the only excuse that those whom do not accept fall back to. In all reality, the bible can contradict many things that has changed the world we live in today. But is the main message of God not to accept people. Do you think that he would have created someone with certain feelings, human, if he did not want it to be accepted?
This is not to say that we all wether a woman, black, or anything had to fight to get their acceptance, but for us to bully those enough to drive them to death is unacceptable and should be ashamed.
We live knowing that we have limited years to learn, grow, become more knowledgeable, so some go to the mere extent of wasting their time intruding on others lives trying to impose what is wrong when judgement itself is the negative fuel to the fire.
We have become this country of acceptance. And we have boasted even to the fact of our equal rights to woman, blacks, races of all sorts... but when it comes to gays we can't let it happen?
There is NO reason that we as humans, like one another, should EVER have a reason not to accept someone because of their own morals and their way of life. Some may say that it is wrong, but to not accept and bully those who believe different than us is just inhumane and unethical.
And I know that I know little with the bible, but that seems to be the only excuse that those whom do not accept fall back to. In all reality, the bible can contradict many things that has changed the world we live in today. But is the main message of God not to accept people. Do you think that he would have created someone with certain feelings, human, if he did not want it to be accepted?
This is not to say that we all wether a woman, black, or anything had to fight to get their acceptance, but for us to bully those enough to drive them to death is unacceptable and should be ashamed.
We live knowing that we have limited years to learn, grow, become more knowledgeable, so some go to the mere extent of wasting their time intruding on others lives trying to impose what is wrong when judgement itself is the negative fuel to the fire.
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